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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 2, 2011 7:30pm-8:00pm PDT

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here it is, your moment of zen. >> a lot of people are asking why aim using plastic forks and fives that the pizza parlor gave. frankly, it was very comfortable, plus this way you can dig the top of the pizza off, you're not justcaptioning y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ready to go. >> stephen: tonighti congressman anthon weiner tweet lewd pictures of his fourth branch of government? [laughter] then who's riding my coattails now? i hope it's a monkey. that would be cute. and my guest, robert fm kennedy, jr., is in a new comery about mountaintop mining. he's making a mountain out of a molehill that used to be a mountain. i got rid of my beard, and let's just say the lack of carpet matches the lack of drapes. this is the "the colbert report"
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captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: folks, i mean this in the nicest possible way, if i were a vampire, i would feast on your life force. welcome to "the report," everybody. good to have you with us. folks, last night i told you about semigovernor sarah palin's new one nation bus tour. her freedom wagon of pac-funded
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professional tourism. well, it's only day four and she's already managed to do the unthinkable, spend four days on a bus without looking like she spent four days on a bus. here's what i look like after 15 minutes on the cross town. [laughter] of course -- [laughter and applause] what do i feel like right now? of course, the point of her one nation tour is to highlight america's historic landmarks. so far she stopped at the national archives, gettysburg, independence hall, and yesterday she joined donald trump an one of new york's historic monuments, the times square applebee's, a landmark as steeped in history as it is steeped in chill pole they mayonnaise. just like gettysburg, it's a site where many, many lives were cult short. of course, it was a risk having these two reality show giants in
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the same place. i just hope the secret service placed kendra in an undisclosed location. folks, as a newsman, it's my duty to keep you inform about the swelling controversy that has cast a lengthy shadow over new york congressman anthon weiner. stretching the fabric of our national discourse and that robbing like a... he tweeted a picture of his schwantz. allegedly, allegedly. here's what we know, folks. first of all, he's not a republican. second, he's circumcised. third, four days ago representative weiner's twitter "sent a twitpic to a female college student over the twitter. now, i'm going to show you the photo right now. so send your children out of the room if you don't want them to grow up with massive inferiority
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complex. [laughter] jim. yowza. how did he even tweet that thing? that's at least 150 characters. [laughter] of course, the congressman claims he was hacked and has denied responsibility, but the question remains: is this or is this not representative weiner's chief of staff? because i don't know about you, folks. this does not sound like a denial to me. jim? >> you can't definitively say whether it's you or not. >> i can definitively say that i did not send this. >> that's not a picture of you? >> i can't say with certitude. it certainly doesn't look familiar with me, but i don't want to say wither istude. >> i see only two options here, either anthon weiner has too many photos of his crotch to keep track, or certitude is his nickname for his penis. [laughter]
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well, i hope we get to the bottom of this soon, but in the meantime, it must be a difficult time for the congressman. my sympathy and/or envy goes out to him. hold on just one second. just want to... one thing. and... [laughter] [cheers and applause] and... and tweet. i think i've been hacked. these smart phones, i tell you, folks, they're so useful, for this, for so many different things. i use them for everything. obviously tweeting pictures of my groin, cracking walnuts, spackling drywall, reflecting sunlight into airline pilot's eyes, but i turns out that my cell phone may be hazard to me because the world health organization is now warning that cell phone use is "possibly
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carcinogenic to humans." possibly? well, then i am possibly crapping my pants. isn't there a simpler way to put this? >> we begin with major developments involving cell phone use and you. information you need to know right now. >> alarming news for anyone who owns a cell phone. >> could your cell phone be making you sick? a new warning that your phone could cause brain cancer. >> is your cell phone lethal? >> stephen: are cell phones are trying to kill us. the call is coming from inside the phone. get out of there. now, luckily, luckily i blocked the radiation by always keeping my cell phone tucked safely under my genitals. in a pinch they also serve as a bomb shelter. apparently, apparently cell phones use a form of radiation similar to microwaves known as "microwave radiation." which scientists say esuchly
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cooks the brain. i bet you anything i'm delicious. laughter laugh but cell phone manufacturers are looking out for us, folks. they recommend that you hold the device 15 millimeters away from your head, which conveniently happens to be the thickness of an amy's frozen burrito. okay. a quick ten-minute call to nana and lunch is ready. [applause] hi, nana. hi. i'm doing the show. i'll be back in a second. talk to the burrito. just listen to her. okay. but what if you're not hungry and you don't want to get brain cancer but you still need to make a call? what do you do? easy. jay, come on out here. let's show the people what we do. jay the intern, everybody. come on out. okay. jay, i want you to help me talk to nana like we rehearsed.
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sit down here. okay. okay. this allows me to use my cell phone without my brain absorbing harmful cancer rays. >> i'm getting the cancer rays. >> shhh. i'm on the phone. how's it going, nana. ask her how it's going. >> how's it going, nana? >> she's not your nana. call her "mrs. colbert." >> how are you doing, mrs. colbert? >> what did she say. >> she says her ankles are sworning. >> her bank et is stolen? >> somebody stole her blanket? >> stephen: hang on, this is still cold. [applause] now, what is she saying, jay? >> i can't hear her through the burrito. >> stephen: you're going to have to talk louder, unanimousback it's beef and beans. i tell you what, jay, stay on the phone as long as my nana
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wants or until the burrito is ready, whichever comes first. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
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welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. nation, i'm sure i don't have to tell you the emmy awards are a scant 109 days away. which reminds me, i almost forgot, it's time to pull out my emmy advent calendar.
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here we go. [scatting] what's i going to be? oh, it's a chocolate emmy. oh, a beautiful... oh, oh, and a little envelope. and the winner is... okay. uh-huh. okay. and the winner is... "the daily show with jon stewart." [audience reacts] bull [bleeped] all right. jon's mouth couldn't be here tonight, so i accept this on his behalf. bitter. [laughter] anyway, folks... [laughter] that candy was put in there a long time ago. [laughter] folks, you know the emmy is the only reason i do this show.
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you think i appear on magazine cover, collaborate with my musical heroes and hobnob with billionaires and presidents because i like it? no. i keep pulling 70-hour work weeks and forgetting the names of my children in hopes that one day i high win the hand of the golden siren of prime time achievement. you can tell the emmy season is ramping up because the networks have within sending voters screener d.v.d.s of all the eligible shows. okay. you see, emmy voters are busy. and very attractive. so during awards season, networks compile d.v.d.s of the shows they didn't have time to watch. okay. i got a couple really good ones here. this is hbo. always puts out a classy, top-flight job with their presentation. you got two thick volumes of the most innovative, prestigious programing on television an three episodes of "cat house" from 1998 they're still running on saturday at 2:00 a.m. i wonder how those prostitutes will cope with the y2k bug.
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and, and if you didn't have time to check out any of warner brothers shows, they've sent along this convenient package. all you have to do is pull the unit from its rombus-shaped cardboard box, slip off the black cardboard coupl cummerbund , unfurl these giant posters, and at the bottom you have a d.v.d. screener of of "te big bang theory." all right. so simple. all right. the point is, you send out a screener that represents your show to highlight the best thing you've done this whole year. which unfortunately brings me to the latest installment of who is riding my coattails now. [laughter] just take a look at
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nbc/universal's screening packagement okay. outstanding. let's see who is outstanding this year. okay. "30 rock." okay. good show. "the office." "outsourced" "parenthood" "the event. "friday night lights." here we gosh, late night with jimmy fallon, my best friend for sick months, and who does he feature, a picture of me. from the night i sang "friday" on his show. [cheers and applause] how could you! we're competing in the same category, jimmy. you're trying to beat me with me. [laughter] i give away $26,000 of your money would asking and this is the thanks i get? the worst part is, he didn't even submit the episode i'm on. instead you went with springsteen. huge mistake.
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i've said it before, i'll say it again, nils lofgren is carrying that guy. my picture down here is clearly sending the subliminal message "stephen colbert thinks jimmy fallon should have an emmy." well, i do not think that. left laughter you know what, jimmy, for the sake of our best friendship, i choose to be flattered that you took something i worked hard to create and used it for your own gain. and since i know you were on "the daily show" last night promoting your new book of thank you notes, i'd like the take this new opportunity to introduce my new segment, stephen colbert's thank you notes. [cheers and applause] thank you, jimmy fallon, for appropriating my face to boost your own emmy chances. i don't know why you'd need to, after all, segments in which audience members lick trombones for $10 scream broadcast exlengths.
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[laughter] may riding my coattails in your screener bring you an emmy as surely as riding queen latifah's coattails in taxi brought you an oscar. love, stephen, your best friend until september 3rd. after that citgo time, mother [bleeped]. we'll be right back. ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ everybody. thank you very much. folks, my guest tonight speaks out against the evil of mountaintop removal. but i like to think of it as flat land enhancing. please welcome robert fm kennedy, jr. [cheers and applause] good the see you again mr. kennedy. please, no formality. now, sir, you're a lawyer. you're an environment activist, you're president of the water keeper alliance and you're also featured in a new documentary film called "the last mountain: a fight for our future" which opens in select cities friday. let's take a quick look at the clip. >> coal river mountain is our last great mountain in the valley that hasn't been blasted to ashes. [blast]
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>> i know that we live in a very intelligent country that has the ability to create energy without blowing up mountains. [explosion] >> these coal companies are absolutely raping and stealing the land, wear and air that all of us thought was ours. >> people have had enough, and they're standing up to the coal companies. >> stephen: okay. that's pretty dramatic. what i got from it was: things blow up real good. [laughter] pretty awesome explosions in this movie, right? >> there are a lot of explosions. mountaintop removal is a very destructive form of strip mining. and over the past ten years, four coal companies have leveled an area of the appalachians larger than the state of delaware. if you went out here to the
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hudson and filled 100 feet, we would put you in jail, but in appalachia, they've blown up five of the biggest mountains in west virginia and they've filled 2,500 miles of rivers and streams. it's all illegal but they get away with it. they break their business plan -- the business plan of these companies like massey coal, which is a criminal enterprise, is to break the law and subvert democracy to get away with it. >> stephen: that's easy to say. hasn't the free market determine coal is america's future? we are the saudi arabia of coal, are we not? are we not, sir in we've got all the coal that we need for 250 years, and whatever it takes to maintain energy independence. even if it means bending the rules or filling in a few valleys. don't we need the look after america's future? >> if we had a true free market in thing joy sector, coal could not survive for a minute.
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it's the most catastrophically expensive way to boil a pot of water that's ever been devised. we can make energy a lot cheaper with wind, with solar, with geothermal, with all kinds of renewables. >> let me guess, hemp, something like that? >> stephen: really? wind mills? wind mills are cute, okay. i like holland. i like wooden shoes. but you're talking kid mills. next thing you know pot and prosecution is free. it seeming like... here's why it offends me, sir. it seems like a european answer. >> well, it's actually... if you look at where our energy is coming from, it's not a patriotic thing to blow up an entire mountain range. the purple mountains majesty of our country. >> stephen: what's the harm in blowing up these mountain ranges. don't get me wrong, but they're a renewable resource. tectonic movement. will grow a new set of
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mountains. what's the harm? who is being hurt really? >> as this movie shows, the people in an latchback anyone who gets in the way of coal, despite the mantra of the industry, we bring jobs. >> stephen: that's what i hear. >> in fact, they bring poverty and they destroy jobs. when my father was fighting strip mining in appalachia back in the '60s, there were 151,000 unionized mine work centers west virginia digging coal out of tunnels in the ground. today because of a strategy by this industry, if they're taking twice as much coal out of west virginia as they were in 1960, but there are only 15,000 miners left and only half are unionized. >> stephen: that's the free market. >> they blow up every day in west virginia, they debt night 2,500 tons of ammonia nitrate explosives, the equivalent of a hi rochea bomb once a week, and they're blowing the tops off the mountains to get at the coal. then they take the rock, debris and rubbles with these huge
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machines and scrape it into the adjacent river valley. they flatten an area larger than the state of delaware. that's not good for anybody in our country. >> stephen: if these poor people in west virginia are not getting jobs, if their land is being raped, why don't these poor people just hire lobbyists? laftd laughter to fight the coal company's lobbyists? again, that's the free market. >> that's right. well, you know, that's how democracy works in west virginia. it's really not a democracy anymore. you have a few large coal companies who have subverted democracy at every level. they've corrupted the judges. they've corrupted the public officials. and as we showed, two-thirds of the people in west virginia oppose mountaintop mining, but there is not a single politician that opposes it because they've been purchased by the coal industry. that's not a good thing for american democracy and a democracy is supposed to be about people, not about how much money you have.
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>> but the recent decision of citizens united says the corporations are people, too, and the aim of money they have determines how much speech they have, and so corporations just happen to be better at talking than people are. >> well, that's a good point actually. >> thank you, thank you. so few people say that. thank you, mr. kennedy. robert f. kennedy, jr. the movie is "the last mountain" opening in select cities this friday. we'll be right back. what's up, smart?
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